The other day I cracked open one of my old journals I brought with me; it’s a journal that I’ve periodically written in since 2010.
The spine is falling apart, my handwriting has changed at least 15 times, and it’s full of hilarious moments balanced with heart-wrenching struggle. I love writing in a journal because it gives me something really tangible to look back on and see not only how I’ve changed but how mountains have been moved, how i’ve grown, and how the Lord has completely answered prayers. I’ve been journaling since I was in middle school, and while I haven’t been journaling as much lately as I want to I just felt this pull to thumb through this tattered black book.
I was (and am still) doing this thing where I list out my thoughts by categories; every time it was different categories but they were all pretty much the same themes (life, job, desires, hurts, joys, relationships, thanksgiving, etc).
I truly, truly believe we all walk some similar paths sometimes and we’re meant to talk about them.
We experience good and bad things in such a way so that we can celebrate, morn, encourage, and walk-alongside other people.
Looking back at this entry I can feel my pain. I can feel the raw emotion floating off the page and slapping me like a tidal wave.
Maybe these words will resonate with you, and maybe they won’t, but I felt compelled to pull back a layer and share today.
I flipped to the date August, 24, 2014….
I was cooking tonight when a wave of sadness hit me.
Deep within my soul I want to be taken care of. I don’t really admit that to other people but I do. I desire that bond, that intimacy. I want someone to come home to, wrap their arms around me and ask me what’s wrong. I want to be looked out for, provided for, thought of, surprised even. I feel like I haven’t been taken care of in so long, since my parents died. I know, appreciate, and recognize all that my family has done, given and sacrificed in their absence – but sometimes I just need and miss my dad and mom. With them being gone I’ve had to grow up fast. 10+ years of that and I’m tired. I’m tired of figuring it all out, of being strong, making wise choices, having it all ‘together’. I’m just tired, and yet I push on. I don’t want to be weak or lazy – so I keep pushing. But man, sometimes, I just want to be hugged and taken care of and not having to worry about bills, savings, health, my future, etc for once.
When I boil it all down, i’m scared, scared of being alone…because besides Lando I already feel alone.
I think that is one of the reasons the desire and dream for marriage plagues me.
I don’t want to continue to do this life alone or with all this weight on my shoulders. I know a relationship won’t fix my problems – so God help me! Take this desire away; I don’t want marriage if it isn’t meant for me. I want to put my fears, anxieties, and cares on You and You alone. When I’m feeling alone I want to always remember that You are near.
I may be only twenty-five but a lot of the time I still feel like that orphaned sixteen year old looking into the mirror realizing the adult life hit me early.
Help me rest in you God. I need rest.
If you had told me 3 years ago that God was listening to the meltdown of my heart; that He intently and earnestly listened and held my pain in His hands I would have scoffed it off because I was so bitter. Like I said, I was so tired – tired of feeling not good enough and tired of feeling so utterly alone. A few months after this entry God started to do a HUGE re-haul in my heart; He broke down a lot of the barriers I placed up and pushed me to start to make some much needed changes.
As I sit here and read out this post I wrote just under three years ago I kind of get teary eyed. God has done some big, big stuff in my life.
This is one of those moments I just want to publicly tell him Thank You.
Thank you for hearing the cries of my heart and giving me the strength to rise above the pain.
Thank you for challenging me to be my best self and to seek out fulfillment and joy and happiness in my singleness.
Thank you for making me wait, because If I hadn’t of waited I would have never had the joy in my life that is Eddie.
Thank you for bringing Eddie into my life and letting me know what that rest I was craving felt like.
Thank you for providing for us, for building our marriage even when it’s tough and we’re not together.
Thank you for taken a broken, single, bitter, angry, and hurt young lady and continually growing her into someone who struggles a lot but knows that God always has her back. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord. Thank you Lord.