journey | consumption

this morning during my devotional i had a revelation. i found myself writing:

i want to consume good things. 
my heart needs it. 

and then i went on to write, but also for my body.
the truth is i’ve been struggling.
i recently chatted about how i’m starting a new diet (yay paleo!) to try to get back on the wagon. i honestly already eat paleo 90% of the time – but that 10% of not-good-for-me food i’ve been shoving in my mouth has been more and more consistent. and it makes me, physically and emotionally, not feel good.

but then i started thinking about how frustrated i am right now.
i freaking injured myself on my first double-workout day – i ran a mile in the morning (i have been running 2), and then did a workout routine during my lunch break. i felt GOOD and STRONG and HEALTHY. i had been running 2 miles every morning for like 2 weeks…and i just felt like “ok, maybe i can do this” and then SHUT DOWN.
i felt like monica, just screwed over in the prime of lime.
i know my body needs the rest – but my mind is over here racing 1,000x a minute telling me how much i need to loose, and tighten, and tone.

i know i shouldn’t feel that way, but i’m just being transparent in what is in my mind.
and what is in my mind is – i’ve gained 10lbs, my stomach is so bloated, none of my clothes fit, and i’m getting married – soon. i narcissistically want to look good in my wedding dress – but maybe that isn’t even being narcissistic, maybe that’s just me being human and wanting to feel pretty on my wedding day. and i realize, my feelings of “pretty” shouldn’t be tied to my jean size, but unfortunately – right now – they are to a degree.

the more i stared at those words – the more something began to slowly shift.
i think if i shift my focus – my purpose for why i’m doing it
…my strength really will come from the Lord.

maybe i need to stop looking at this as “consuming good things to look good” and instead look at it as a whole. in general – i entirely need to watch my consumption; what i am listening to, reading, talking about, watching…and also what am i drinking, eating, snacking on, putting on my body.
i really believe those go hand in hand.

if my focus becomes – i want to consume good things – then let’s do it right.
i think i will feel less pressure to “loose the weight” and to just trust that if i’m making the changes in all areas, the Lord will shift my focus and i will enjoy exercising again and i will enjoy making healthy decisions because my body is a temple.

so that is where i am right now.
writing out all of these thoughts before 630am on a week day.
just spilling my guts out in hopes that my focus can truly be renewed.

i want to consume good things.
my heart needs it.
and so does my body.

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